Monday, September 29, 2008

my great work

So, I'm Lifestyles editor for the paper and I'm also writing for He Said/She said. Its great! It gives me a chance to be my sarcastic.bitcy.inappropriate self. Check out my work thus far. I'm kinda proud of it.

PS-these and more can be found at:

Dear Drew and Emily,My friend recently confessed to me that she has an STD. The thing is, she's still engaging in sexual activities and not telling any of the guys she's sleeping with. What do I do? I don't want to break my friend's trust, but I think what she's doing is wrong. HELP!

-Disease Louise

My response:

Like Janis says to Cadi in Mean Girls:"There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil stuff, and those who see evil stuff being done, but don't try to stop it."I would call your friend girl number one and suggest you don't become girl number two. I know it's technically not cool to dish out secrets your friend has entrusted you with. But when the story is this juicy, you can't help but share the sweet gossipy nectar.If it makes you feel better, think of it as community service. By letting everyone know that your friend is possibly giving her little guy friends more than they bargained for, you're preventing them from having to deal with that dreaded three letter acronym later on.It may also answer some questions they have about recent "developments" they've had in their nether-regions.Furthermore, by you warning any possible victim, he'll be in great appreciation and will probably be willing to take you to dinner or a movie. If some crazy weekend night results, you'll have less to worry about and won't need to wonder if he caught it too.Now, if you don't want to "out" her right away you could always try bringing it up casually. Maybe make up a story about a girl you heard about doing the same thing another college and now she's in jail or people hate her or something. She'll get scared and stop.Or, is there anything of hers you like? Maybe a cute outfit you've always been jealous of?No, I'm not saying you blackmail her! That's illegal! I'm just saying that you barter, like in the old days, quid pro quo. She has something you want and you have something she wishes you didn't have. So you trade, even Steven.But, If these ideas sound a little too nice and you're actually are an evil person, all wrapped up in cold, hard shiny plastic, then I suggest you keep closer tabs on her. Then you'll at least know who to stay away from.

Dear Drew and Emily,I started dating a guy this summer and we really hit it off. We hung out a lot and talked everyday, and I could totally see myself falling in love with him.The issue is that he goes to school out of state and I'm here in Iowa.We agreed to try and make it work, but now that I'm back at Simpson I'm having second thoughts. I don't want to be worried about what he's doing all the time and I also don't want to miss out on anything while I'm here.So, what should I do? Do I try and keep things working, since I do like him. OR do I call it quits and see what Simpson has to offer?

Sincerely,Summer Lovin

My response:

First question, what year are you? Why? Because, if you're a freshman you really have no need to worry about not finding something after you break it off. There are plenty of upperclassmen that are dying to catch some fresh-meat. And if you're an upperclassman, there's a whole new batch of freshmen ripe for the picking.Secondly, are you a guy or girl? This matters. We all know the guys hate sleeping alone and if he's even remotely cute then I guarantee you he's already found a spooning partner and well, we all know that spooning leads to forking. But even if you're a girl, you can still follow my advice, because turns out, all men seem to have the spooning problem and little heter-romeo is probably doing the same thing.Either way, drop the boy like he's a hot tamale.For starters, you don't want to have to worry about "the morning after call." Like Shandi had to deal with on season two of America's Next Top Model. When she gets drunk, cheats on her boyfriend and wakes up the next morning to realize her terrible mistake. So she has to call her boyfriend, drowning in tears confessing and begging forgiveness. Yea, that's no fun for anyone.So keep it simple. No boyfriend means no cheating possibilities; you are free to make as many drunken mistakes as you want. Trust me I'm speaking from an all too recent experience.So it was easy to talk everyday and hang out at the arcade, just like little Sandy and Danny. But, now that you're both back at school you have plenty of other things to worry about, you said it yourself, you're having second thoughts.So have fun, be young and enjoy college.