Monday, February 8, 2010

Silly Brain, don't you know how to keep quiet?

I consider myself a pretty confident person. I'm outgoing,friendly and know how to carry on a conversation. I have no problem taking charge in group work and I love when assignments let me present in class. I know how to laugh at myself, look forward to job interviews and love being on stage.

But like most "confident" people, I have a very "non confident" side. Especially when it comes to relationships.

For some reason boys are one of the issues that i am not at all confident in. Like I said when first introducing you to Barista, I didn't chat him up originally because I'm a big wimp. I fear rejection and always expect the worst when I start hanging out with a guy.

And while things with Barista are quite a bit different than my previous attempts at relationships, I still find alot of the questions that plauge the back of my mind, still there, rotting away.

The biggest thing is cheating. I blame this on "1".

"1" to tell you the whole story and history of my relationship with 1 would take way too long, and maybe i'll talk about that another day. But I'll do my best to give you a cliff notes version.

1 was my best friend freshman year. He was the kid I could go to anything about and I 100% trusted him. We fell in love, HC style. I was madly, head over heels, madly in love with this kid. Well, we were both living on campus for the summer and one weekend I had "on-call" duty. So i couldn't leave campus. He wanted to go out and so he went up to DSM and went out with our friend A. Well, come to find out, after he drunkly admits to me a few weeks later. He actually didn't stay at A's when he was up in DSM he slept with J, a guy that I used to hang out with earlier in the year. And while there's a whole lot more baggage that goes with it, this was pretty much the catalyst for my ever present fear that any guy I date is going to drop a similar bomb on me.

WELL, fast foward to today. I'm sitting in my room, doing my own thing and my phone rings. I don't recognize the number and I answer, and the conversation went a little something like this:

Z: " this Drew"
me: "yea..."
Z: "well, I don't you know.....but...well, I wanted to let you know I slept w/ Barista"

*insert sinking heart, jaw drop, adrenaline pump through the veins here*

me: "um...well, okay....."
Z:" I'm really sorry...i know you don't know me..but I just found out about you and i didn't think it was right and I wanted you to know'
me (struggling for words): " did you meet him"
Z: "we met at the Saddle (one of the gay bars in DSM) and things hit off and we've been sleeping together for awhile."
Me: "........okay......"
Z: "Dude..I'm sorry.. I know its not right..but i wanted you to know...he's player..he's playing you and he's playing me"
me: (10 seconds from the breakdown) " okay..............well.......thanks....i guess..."
and I hang up.

My body still wasn't sure how to hands were shaking, the tears were beginning to fall and I just didn't know what to do. My body was pretty much numb and I didn't know what was going on. I was confused.

I pick up the phone and attempt to begin to dial Barista .Adrenaline taking over and me just wanting to confront the issue immediatly.

Enter B, C and T.

"we're sorry. it was us, it was a joke, don't call Baritsa".

The assholes has called me as a prank. I didn't have B's number in my phone, so it was him that called and they were fuckin' messing with me.

Relief swept over and I wanted to punch the stupid bitches in the face.

But yea...when i first heard that barista was "sleeping" with Z my heart dropped...and the first thing that went through my mind was

"oh fuck. of course".

And not because I don't trust Barista. It has nothing to do with that.

It was because once again I thought my worst fear had come true and what made it worse is because it was someone that I was beginning to fall in love with. And it was made apparent to the guys too.

After they confessed that it was them and they walked in on me; phone in hand, tears in the eyes, T was like " wow, you really do care about him."

So yea. I felt bad too. For even thinking that maybe it was true. Even though if I would have listened better and thought quicker on my feet I would've known that things didn't match up. For starters, Barista hates the gay bars.

And I can tell you that there was some questioning in the back of my mind. 1) how did he get my number and 2) gays are sometimes crazy and maybe it's just some bitter ex or person he rejected. But that was dismissed by the overwheling other feelings that were going on.

But yea. IDK..I trust him and I love him, that's right...I said LOVE...and while I'm not "in love". I think there's a difference. He is someone I love. He's fun, cute, caring and somehow manages to deal with me when I'm being an angry whiney bitch,drunken idiot and needy and attention beggy. Which I know takes alot. SO, he's someone I want to keep around for awhile.

But for some stupid reason my second guessing with issues like that won't leave me alone. AND it happens when our textual conversations suddenly end or if he doesn't text back in awhile. My mind begins to wander, "why isn't he texting" "did I say something" etc etc etc.

And it all annoys me. I don't want to be that guy and while I do have a good handle on it and can do a decent job on keeping myself in check, the reality is it's still there. AND I don't want it to be.

Soooo yea. I hate my brain. It still overthinks way too much, I don't know why it won't shutup and let me be happy. Even though Barista has done a good job of getting to calm down alot more than it is in the past, it still overthinks a little too much.

BUT that's the update of sorts.

We're still together =), its actually been a little over a month already. Which, for anyone that knows me, is quite a big deal.

But yea. things are going good and I feel like they will for awhile. AND this will be my first ever NON SINGLE valentines day. But it really hasn't changed my feelings about the day. I still think it's a big stupid "celebration". I'd rather buy him things and spoil him some random day during the year, why should Hallmark and the chocolate companies tell me when it should be?

So, yea. Hopefully the brain will shutup and let me be. That'd be nice.


Jen - The Secret Keeper said...

Friends really can suck sometimes! Even if it's just a joke that kind of thing can still put a little doubt in your mind! I too think Valentines Day is a little over-done these days! I love to be spoilt as a surprise!!

Cheryl said...

Oh god my heart temporarily stopped when I got to the phone call.

You should really give a warning.

amwittry said...

Drew - I just want to say I love you. and know exactly how you feel although I have never been through anything like that I actually think I understand. Your are such an awesomely amazing person and you deserve the very best!! And if I know the pranksters then it totally sounds like would do something like that. Don't you just love how something silly and stupid can make you realize the best things in life?! Love AMW